Letting things go must be clean.
Tuesday, 21 October 2003 05:42![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zachariahRenee;
I have been out of sorts lately, depressed and cranky at moments. Mostly I've been feeling sorry for myself, which you noticed rather easily. It actually took you commenting on it (twice, I think.) for me to seriously think about it, and my only conclusion is that self-pity really does not accomplish anything! Intellectually, that's obvious, but that's like telling a junkie that his drug is a bad thing. Until he does something with the knowledge, or more to the point gets help, he will remain a junkie. I apologize for not really letting you in (emotionally). The cop-out is to claim it's what guys always do, and I don't know better. Well, that's a crock. I don't want to bring you down, but putting up a wall does more damage to our relationship than being open. Don't let me put it up again. You deserve more than that.
I'm still having problems with self-pity, but I'm beginning to believe I think too much about anything that could be taken as you taking me for granted. I've felt under appreciated and overused on random occasions this last week or so, and I honestly don't believe (at this moment) that there is a clear, good reason for that feeling. I almost wanted to have fights so I could be right, and win. It's so petty, and so foolish; not to mention doubtful, as I'd still likely lose. I realize I don't give you a lot to appreciate me for. I have yet to buy you anything I've wanted to, I've never taken you out, and I cling to beliefs I don't understand rather than give way to what I actually feel to be true. ...heh, that last one is a bit vague, and in the interest of being open, I suppose it's best to say I mean pretty much any "deep" debate. Religion, school, social life. Stuff. I do believe you appreciate me for who I am in all cases, but I want you to appreciate me for what I do...however, until I do more than make promises, I'll likely have sporadic moments of depression. Keep a mallet handy; use it freely.
I love you as much as I ever have. I don't understand you to the extent that I would like - sometimes I feel like I don't understand you at all. That, however, IS what guys go through, so I'll use the cop-out here. Sometimes I don't feel like you understand me at all, but we'll fix both rough edges with time....without Truth-or-Dare, if at all possible. You can find another way to get me to pole-dance, I'm very sure.
I could have written all of this in an email, or waited until tomorrow to tell you on the phone, but...you asked for at least three posts, so this is your own fault. ....and, LJ was open and Outlook was not. XD One down, two more to go. Another day. After sleep. -zzzzzzz
I have been out of sorts lately, depressed and cranky at moments. Mostly I've been feeling sorry for myself, which you noticed rather easily. It actually took you commenting on it (twice, I think.) for me to seriously think about it, and my only conclusion is that self-pity really does not accomplish anything! Intellectually, that's obvious, but that's like telling a junkie that his drug is a bad thing. Until he does something with the knowledge, or more to the point gets help, he will remain a junkie. I apologize for not really letting you in (emotionally). The cop-out is to claim it's what guys always do, and I don't know better. Well, that's a crock. I don't want to bring you down, but putting up a wall does more damage to our relationship than being open. Don't let me put it up again. You deserve more than that.
I'm still having problems with self-pity, but I'm beginning to believe I think too much about anything that could be taken as you taking me for granted. I've felt under appreciated and overused on random occasions this last week or so, and I honestly don't believe (at this moment) that there is a clear, good reason for that feeling. I almost wanted to have fights so I could be right, and win. It's so petty, and so foolish; not to mention doubtful, as I'd still likely lose. I realize I don't give you a lot to appreciate me for. I have yet to buy you anything I've wanted to, I've never taken you out, and I cling to beliefs I don't understand rather than give way to what I actually feel to be true. ...heh, that last one is a bit vague, and in the interest of being open, I suppose it's best to say I mean pretty much any "deep" debate. Religion, school, social life. Stuff. I do believe you appreciate me for who I am in all cases, but I want you to appreciate me for what I do...however, until I do more than make promises, I'll likely have sporadic moments of depression. Keep a mallet handy; use it freely.
I love you as much as I ever have. I don't understand you to the extent that I would like - sometimes I feel like I don't understand you at all. That, however, IS what guys go through, so I'll use the cop-out here. Sometimes I don't feel like you understand me at all, but we'll fix both rough edges with time....without Truth-or-Dare, if at all possible. You can find another way to get me to pole-dance, I'm very sure.
I could have written all of this in an email, or waited until tomorrow to tell you on the phone, but...you asked for at least three posts, so this is your own fault. ....and, LJ was open and Outlook was not. XD One down, two more to go. Another day. After sleep. -zzzzzzz
